Monday morning

As if to contrast last week, this week started out with one of the worst academic experiences I've ever had. This and Greek are duking it out for the top spot at the moment. I just got out of my British Perspectives class and it was basically hell in stairwell 10. I'm so demoralized I can't even muster enough enthusiasm to be proud that I just kept attempting to participate despite absolutely no encouragement from Bill Speck. Nothing I said pleased him, not even little snippets tutors and professors sometimes pull out to make the student feel his/her contribution hasn't been a complete waste. I was a complete waste.

It angers me a little since I so enjoyed both the assigned readings only to come to class and find such misery. None of us had any idea what he wanted (which, apparently, was a lot more background delving than anyone had thought to do) and only Sam seemed to be in Bill Speck's good graces. Sam, who miraculously knows all background information about everything and anything. The class as a whole did so poorly that Bil Speck actually told us at the end of class that he had taken points away from certain unnamed people for such poor preparation and participation. I have never heard of such a thing in my life. Taking points away for talking in class? It hardly encourages class participation.

I'm just so miserable with this class at the moment. I tried so hard but nothing I said led anywhere. I took notes, I typed up my thoughts this morning and I even came up with discussion questions if need be. I did everything I would do for a Gilsdorf history class at Smith but to no avail. Nothing I said was remotely interesting or went in the direction Bill Speck wanted. I feel completely ill prepared and I'm on the verge of just not caring. I'll do the work. Hell, I'll do all the insane, unspecified background work but I don't care any more. I have no desire to succeed in the class. I have no fondness for Bill Speck or even the subject matter.

I can't think of anything to make me feel better about the whole debacle. I'm not sad about it, I'm in a state of steely anger at Bill Speck and of unhappiness over my lack of success. I tried so hard! We all did. But to no avail at all. Nothing mattered. I don't know what he wants and I don't really care either. I don't know what made me keep piping up. I don't know if my continual attempts earned me negative points or just allowed me to break even. I don't dare to hope I got points for such a hideous class session.

Just miserable. I can't think straight it was such a horrible experience. Hateful tutor!

Still steaming quietly,
Corey